Proof there should be a mandatory exam to weed out who can post on the internet.

tweet

I would like to believe that Frank is trolling the Trumpsters*, but the response to this post proves there should be an exam.

It’s a fucking tornado drill you nitwits! Every Kansan did one once a week for 12 freaking years until graduation. Also, if they are forcing them to face Mecca, half are infidels because they are facing the wrong way. Here’s a helpful film to help remind you to duck and cover.

*Sadly, probably not.

A Sphincter Says What?

So, about that press conference today where the mouth of Orange Sauron said that Assad was worse because even Hitler didn’t use chemical weapons on his own people. Yeah, the press pool faces say it all.

While later apologizing to Wolf Blitzer (whose parents were Holocaust survivors), on Passover no less, he said he did not want to take away from Trump’s attempts to destabilize the region.

This makes me long for the eloquence of George W.  Time for Spicer to go.

 

 

We Live in Interesting Times

I’m back, and to paraphrase that great sage Eminem, I’m on the rag and ovulating.

Today, the Press Secretary for the White House banned the New York Times and CNN from a press conference. What the actual fuck?

You can listen to what the Mouthpiece of Sauron said here:

//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

First, he acted like this was just a regular press pool, then he admitted he just doesn’t like what they have to say and called them “Fake News”. Mr. Spicer needs to dig down really deep, and find his balls and quit his job before he is permanently eviscerated by Melissa McCarthy who currently owns his ass. Mr. Spicer, we’ve all had shitty jobs before, but no one I know actually ever sold their soul to the devil.  Going down to the crossroads is dangerous.

All of us had better get on our game and scream and shout and raise a ruckus because shit’s about to get heavy. Let’s examine just a handful of problems, excluding that whole Russian thing where Cheeto Jesus apparently sold his soul to the Putin or the probable deportation of practically our entire construction workforce or the ban of Muslims entering the US from seven countries because he doesn’t like their religion*. That’s a topic for another day.  Instead, let’s talk about how our national lands are up for grabs because everyone apparently benefits when you can drill for oil on them. It’s now totally cool to dump coal mining sludge into creeks because it’s just easier for coal companies.

coalmining-waste

Pic stolen from web. Don’t you totally want to take a nice refreshing drink of that?

They took away all the online information about puppy mill law violations to protect puppy miller privacy. It’s now about to be OK to shoot wolf cubs in their dens or hibernating bears on federal lands in Alaska. You OK with that? In the immortal words of Samuel Jackson, I am not motherfucking OK with this and we most definitely are not cool.

Kids we have problems, and the biggest one is that apparently 40% of the population is OK with a President who wants to muzzle his critics, destroy the environment, slaughter and abuse domestic and wild animals, alienate our allies and sell us all out to the Russians. Where the fuck are the Republicans in all this? Ronald Reagan is spinning in his grave and I half expect him to return from the great beyond to slap some sense into some of these jackasses in Congress.

The phrase ‘do your job’ has been heard everywhere. So Congress, do your fucking job and man up, because this is your problem, too. And to those that refuse to see and want to claim it’s all fake news or want to argue with me, I suggest you learn the skill of critical thinking, because you are definitely drinking what they’re selling you and I haven’t got the time or inclination to save you. All my energy will go to save the world from the people you support and you put in office.

img_0948

*Spare me the bullshit about how it’s not about religion. I’ve been around the block enough to have worn grooves in the pavement and that lie will not fly.

I Fucking Hate it When Racists Lack Verb-Noun Agreement

racist-graffiti

It’s so unfortunate when the subliterate racist trash that populates our world decides to express an opinion that only shows their supreme ignorance. I call this a teachable moment, so let’s all rewrite this together. It’s “Black Lives Don’t Matter and Neither DO Your Votes” you stupid motherfucker. It would probably also read better if the racist pig who wrote this had simply used “their” instead of “your” in addition to correcting the verb tense, but that’s being picky. On the plus side, I think we can all agree that North Carolina would be better served working to educate their indigenous backwoods racist fucking morons than spending valuable resources guarding bathrooms from transgender people.

 

 

Let them eat cake

Seriously? This man is the Republican nominee for President of the United States?

trump

Trump and Pence, seated on their gilded Louis XIV thrones, describe their sacrifices in the wake of Mr. Khan’s agonized speech on the death of his son:

Trump appeared to try to brush the speech aside, saying that Khan “was, you know, very emotional and probably looked like a nice guy to me.”

Trump also said, “If you look at his wife, she was standing there. She had nothing to say. She probably, maybe she wasn’t allowed to have anything to say. You tell me.”

Pressed by Stephanopoulos to name the sacrifices he’d made for his country, Trump said: “I think I’ve made a lot of sacrifices. I work very, very hard. I’ve created thousands and thousands of jobs, tens of thousands of jobs, built great structures. I’ve had tremendous success. I think I’ve done a lot.”

What a douchebag.

PS  Just because the wife stood by her husband while he spoke doesn’t make her a puppet. What a tool this guy is.

PPS If this is the very best the Republican Party has to offer as their candidate, and Paul Ryan and crew stand by this misogynistic, racist cretin, as the face of the party, I weep for the future. Grow a pair and step away.

PPPS to Pence. Your tie doesn’t work with that suit at all. Also, how much valium did it take to achieve that look of being at inner peace despite sitting next to that man while he talked about how great he is?

Some vegans are sanctimonious prigs

Every year, the world goes insane over the Yulin Dog Meat Festival. This year, more than 11 million people signed petitions aimed at stopping the barbaric slaughter. It’s gotten a great deal of press and inevitably, a response from sanctimonious vegans who call everyone a hypocrite for decrying the Chinese dog meat trade while still eating meat. Shut the fuck up already annoying sanctimonious vegan people.

1000-yulin-dogs-in-cages

Photo IBTimes/Reuters

 

Why, pray tell, does not being vegan make omnivores hypocrites for wanting to stop the dog meat festival in Yulin? It absofuckolutely doesn’t. I am all for cruelty-free living, but there is a gargantuan difference between your average American who eats meat and the Asian markets that slaughter everything that walks, crawls or swims, preferably in the most horrific way possible, in the name of “medicine”*.  Dogs are eaten in soup because it is supposed to make people cooler in the heat.  The dogs are tortured before they die because it’s supposed to make the meat “more tender”. Seriously.

Witchcraft is the root cause of the horrific deaths of so many animals.  People are rightly outraged over the treatment these dogs endure before they die in an outright demented way. On the whatthefuckery scale of 1-10, the Asian dog meat trade is sitting at an 11, and while the corporate farming practices in the United States are no prize, you don’t see that level of barbarity in the process and if you did, they would be all over the news. How do I know? I worked in the office at a meat packing plant in college and I saw a lot of crap that made me not eat meat. As horrible as the cow slaughter was, it wasn’t 25 dogs stuffed in stifling heat into a 4 x 4 wire crate being yanked out and bludgeoned repeatedly with a meat cleaver.

So self-righteous-vegan-prig posting diatribes about western people shutting up about the Yulin dog festival, I strongly suggest you shut your hole. We should welcome any help to stop this atrocity from any quarter.

*Lest you think this is some racist diatribe, the Asian market drives almost all the trade in endangered animal parts for use in “Traditional Chinese Medicine” much of which is absolute bullshit.  Check out this link to see the Thai monk tiger debacle and for more on tiger parts trade in general, see this link. There is no European/African/South American/Pacific Islander/NorthAmerican market for animal parts. It is certainly true that there are many Asians desperately working to stop this and they are making headway, but cultural norms take a long time to defeat. Try getting someone in the rural South to neuter their dog.

 

I guess the pythons weren’t enough

Listen people. I have hit my threshold for stupidity. Let us discuss wild animals and where they belong. There are now confirmed Nile crocodiles in South Florida. Let me explain to you what Nile crocodiles do. They eat people among other things. Lots of them. They are not shy, retiring creatures like the American crocodiles which are native to South Florida. Nile crocodiles are bad ass motherfuckers and you don’t want to meet one mano a mano. I spent a lot of time in South Florida swamps and I have never worried about being eaten. You have to be very, very unlucky or incredibly stupid to get taken out by the local fauna. If there are Nile crocodiles in the mix, that’s a whole other thing.

This will be lunch for a Nile crocodile.

This will be lunch for a Nile crocodile.

So this begs the question, “Why are there motherfucking Nile crocodiles in South Florida?” Answer: Because pretty much anyone can get one, legally permitted or otherwise. Let’s start with the obvious which I will spell in all caps in case anyone misses it: WILD ANIMALS DO NOT NEED TO BE ANYWHERE OTHER THAN IN THE WILD, OR AT THE LEAST, SKILLED HANDS WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT MORONS. General citizen Joe who thinks it’s cool to have a Nile crocodile does not need one. Neither really does anyone. I’m not super fond of zoos as I think animals need to be where they thrive and a zoo is not that place, but if you are going to have a crocodile, put it there and make sure the zoo isn’t a roadside attraction. As for the ones that get here illegally, they got here somehow, and I think we need to start screening shipments a little more closely. Crocodile hatchlings will fit in a box, but someone clearly should x-ray the box coming from South Africa if it makes squealing noises when shaken. Note to legislators everywhere: PASS SOME FUCKING HELPFUL LAWS AND STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHO IS HAVING SEX. We don’t need wildlife in the hands of anyone other than that guy that used to be on Letterman and a few like him.

While I am it, let’s talk about large mammals:

1. If you are a rap star or even a wannabe, don’t get a fucking tiger. You probably don’t warrant a dog. Maybe a chia pet. That your posse can remember to water.

2. If you think it would be totally cool to have a wolf, you’re an idiot and you should have your balls or equivalent thereof cut off before you breed. Wolves are not pets and living in a pen sucks.

3. Cervals, bobcats, lynx and so on are not pets. They are wild animals. You look like a tool if you try to keep one. So don’t.

4. Do not even think about chaining a bear up.

Wild animals are wild and they belong in the areas from whence they came. We don’t need Nile crocodiles in South Florida and you don’t need a fucking lion as a pet. Get a grip people.