Listen people. I have hit my threshold for stupidity. Let us discuss wild animals and where they belong. There are now confirmed Nile crocodiles in South Florida. Let me explain to you what Nile crocodiles do. They eat people among other things. Lots of them. They are not shy, retiring creatures like the American crocodiles which are native to South Florida. Nile crocodiles are bad ass motherfuckers and you don’t want to meet one mano a mano. I spent a lot of time in South Florida swamps and I have never worried about being eaten. You have to be very, very unlucky or incredibly stupid to get taken out by the local fauna. If there are Nile crocodiles in the mix, that’s a whole other thing.
So this begs the question, “Why are there motherfucking Nile crocodiles in South Florida?” Answer: Because pretty much anyone can get one, legally permitted or otherwise. Let’s start with the obvious which I will spell in all caps in case anyone misses it: WILD ANIMALS DO NOT NEED TO BE ANYWHERE OTHER THAN IN THE WILD, OR AT THE LEAST, SKILLED HANDS WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT MORONS. General citizen Joe who thinks it’s cool to have a Nile crocodile does not need one. Neither really does anyone. I’m not super fond of zoos as I think animals need to be where they thrive and a zoo is not that place, but if you are going to have a crocodile, put it there and make sure the zoo isn’t a roadside attraction. As for the ones that get here illegally, they got here somehow, and I think we need to start screening shipments a little more closely. Crocodile hatchlings will fit in a box, but someone clearly should x-ray the box coming from South Africa if it makes squealing noises when shaken. Note to legislators everywhere: PASS SOME FUCKING HELPFUL LAWS AND STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHO IS HAVING SEX. We don’t need wildlife in the hands of anyone other than that guy that used to be on Letterman and a few like him.
While I am it, let’s talk about large mammals:
1. If you are a rap star or even a wannabe, don’t get a fucking tiger. You probably don’t warrant a dog. Maybe a chia pet. That your posse can remember to water.
2. If you think it would be totally cool to have a wolf, you’re an idiot and you should have your balls or equivalent thereof cut off before you breed. Wolves are not pets and living in a pen sucks.
3. Cervals, bobcats, lynx and so on are not pets. They are wild animals. You look like a tool if you try to keep one. So don’t.
4. Do not even think about chaining a bear up.
Wild animals are wild and they belong in the areas from whence they came. We don’t need Nile crocodiles in South Florida and you don’t need a fucking lion as a pet. Get a grip people.